Wednesday, January 13, 2010

When My Brain& Heart Works Together...

There are certain things in life that intrigues me. Have you noticed when there is a certain something that is going on in life, which is all happy,than, suddenly you find yourself bombarded with all the sad things-usually some form of sickness that occurs in the family. And, worst still, it has to happen on some auspicious day. Great huh? What a story plot, full of climax! Well, I am going through it at the moment-2nd time! Having this feeling of nothing -totally empty ( you know the sort of feeling when you get some happy news, and than an hour later, somebody tells you a bad news, finally you wont know how to react) Never mind if you don't get it-just to vent out my frustration. Anyways, I have been in this thinking mode these few days. When I finally willingly want to break free and fly away, I just realize I cant. What is stopping me?RESPONSIBILITIES! By the way did anyone tell you ( if you happen to be the youngest in the family just like me) that you are lucky and you must be pampered. Take it from me, it is rubbish! You know being the last does not necessarily means you are the spoiled child. In fact we go through a rather different journey. You became the shoulder to cry on. Parents tell you most of the things and that becomes somewhat like a pillar- you think twice before doing something just not to repeat the same mistakes your siblings had made( in case they have). Along the way you pick up minute details that can hurt their feelings, and you keep reminding yourself not to do it. Sometimes, we mould ourselves to be a perfectionist. I never deny, I know I try to be a perfectionist most of the time- I am as simple as if I know, I know, if I don't, I don't. As simple as it may sound,its actually pretty complex.Well,that's not the way to live life( purely out of experience ,I am telling). Than as we grow,parents grow.They tend to be extra extra sensitive,so our roles becomes more challenging-we should be extra careful. Later on, as they age, they get their separation anxiety. They always want to be surrounded by their children-never ready to let go. We on the other hand, well don't move about much- you are caught in between your rebellious and curious nature and the real fact, trying to please everyone except yourself. A little confused, not wanting to hurt anyone in the process of getting your freedom. Oh, than there is the other thing being the last, you are the ONLY hope, ONLY chance to fulfill dreams and what not. The worst is when you say no that's not how you feel, but you are constantly reminded that's your feeling,leaving you with not knowing how to feel, because you are told how to feel ( Drop this if its tooo confusing) . You sometimes never really get a chance to make a decision, cause almost always a good decision is made for you. Sometimes you are filled with guilt, cause you go through a smooth journey that many never had a chance, everything perfect, and when you try to break free, the feeling of guilt just takes over you, reminding yourself to be grateful. I am confused now... But the only thing I tell myself is that it could probably be just the age, the curious nature and I am not wise enough to take the decision. Let the one's with the experience to handle it. I guess this must be one helluva journey filled with surprises!

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