Friday, May 14, 2010

Her Name Is Bella

She had an awfully cropped hair with matted patches of hair at some part of the skull. It has been weeks since a drop of water ever came in touch with the hair of hers. The sunburned color and stinking sweat odor of the hair did not do justice to her coppery skin and the beautiful amethyst colored almond eyes of hers. The tears at the edge of the eye was slowly washing away and bringing with it the black eye liner along its course. She let it drop.Her tears.She was too weak to wipe it away. The freckles over her chest were defined by the V-shaped plunging neckline of her dress.It added to her natural beauty. The gentle swells of her breasts were obvious.The dress, a black satin Prada dress hung on her on either side of her shoulder by a thin strap. It is studded with diamonds around her small waist. It went well with the ankle high boots minus the fish net stockings."You are lucky", she remembered one of her friends saying. The dress, was given to her by one of her "clients". Clients, she thought to herself and just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. But, the tears still flowed. Two months ago, she remembered dad calling her "Princess". Now,here she is. In this dark lane, where besides rat and cockroaches, humans, roam around. Humans who are drugged, highly intoxicated, whose bodies have been the item of trade in need of money. So was hers. Just two months ago, she made the decision to leave home with Nick. Yes, Nick, her boyfriend. The man who promised her life in a fantasy land, the man who won her heart with versus of love, the man who asked her hand in marriage.She was darn sure he was her true soul mate. She left despite all the warnings from dad. And he left her too. Yes, the same Nick who promised her sweet nothings left her in this hell, he sold her off. The sweet love making in the trust of her man's words was meaningless and it hurt her to the core. She regretted. She hated this life. Her mistakes had ruined her. She took the last drop of that liquor. She had fought and begged one of the man to sell her those "stuff". She can't live without it. It was her only means of finding peace. She held the syringe and gently pushed the needle into her skin. As "it" mixed with her blood, she had flashes of her happy life with her father and siblings. Choking back her tears ,she said softly,"Forgive Bella,dad". And, her eyes never opened again...

A Note

I wrote a note
"Fetch the kids",
I wrote a note
"Food in the fridge",
I wrote a note
"Will be late",
I wrote a note
"Don't wait up",
I wrote a note
"Soccer on Sunday",
You left a note
"I am leaving...for good",
I held the palm sized paper
Close to my chest,
Tears welled up in my eye,
I fell to the floor,
Staring at the marble kitchen tiles,
That we hand-picked,
When we build this home,
Now, it is a house
With memories
If only I wrote just one note
"I love you"
It could have made a difference....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Independence & A Big Thank You

Morning. I have finally finished my professional exams and I am a full fledged final year student. Yeah! Honestly,yesterday was my New Year. Now, I am on par with the rest. And,I can finally pay attention to one thing till my next exam. This is the day I was waiting for since I made the decision to defer my studies in 2008. And finally it is here. Trust me folks, any trials in this journey is always a temporary thing and it will pass by fast, whatever it is. It is just one of God's way of making us strong. Studies was never the only issue for me , since acha left , there was so many emotional downfalls in life. So many people to cater for especially family. No, I am not complaining--- the start of anything in life is never an easy one but as it goes things will eventually fall in place. Time probably heals the pain- not completely perhaps a little. 2 years was definitely an eye opener-meeting people, understanding them, standing up for yourself, appreciating the small things that makes a great difference, maturing and the feel of wanting to do everything right now, this very moment, to spent when I want to, to go on a vacation or a trip or anything without giving much of a thought, to dance till I am exhausted, to see more people, and a lot more to name. So, I was thinking, I am going to take some time to thank some people who had been there, and made a difference in the last 2 years directly or indirectly. I have never particularly mentioned any one's name before so if I did today I am being truly sincere and wishing you people a big thank you from the bottom of my heart.

1) Sham chechi

Where do I start when it comes to you, basically
everything was possible due to
your effort. The amount of patience, love and understanding and support that
you gave all throughout-
from the time I deffered my studies, all the train journeys to keep me company and all the encouragement.Oh yes, and the driving will never be possible if it was not for your support. And I needed you the most to keep me sane.To listen to me pour my heart out!Thank you for being rational.

2) Ma-me mummy

Despite all the irrationalities and emotional downfall, as a mother, you are still the best.
You had a dual role since 2008-both as a dad & a mum. And you did both very well. You have always worried about not being able to do it right and not as perfectly as acha- but honestly no one could have done it better than you! Chumi's wedding would not have been possible without you! And I would not have made it this far as well. I admire you patience & always wished I had half of it.So, thank you and love you.

3) Priscillia

You are part of the family now. Thank you for all the help. And especially for all the driving
around to distribute the cards and to settle everything else-from the slide making, to the late nights chats and to be very patient with the DJ=) So many things would not have been possible without you. So thank you!

4) Kishore

Thank you for all the wonderful lunch and dinner and hours and hours of time spent talking.
Really kept my mind off things. Thank you for making me feel welcomed and not so awkward when I was back for my studies. And also for sending me home that Christmas morning. Truly a friend I can count on.So, a big thank you and do let me no if I am of any help.

5) Sarita

A big thank you and a hug for listening to me pour my heart out at the time I needed most. And also, for allowing me to stay over! I really appreciate it. Hope to return your favour one day. And as promised, will get you your Tatiana=) & it was nice having you around back home and to be able to explore my primary school, thanx to you.

6) Rathi

Thank you for filling me up with all the stories=) and keeping me happy. I sort of felt like I was back in the class and did not miss anything, thanx to you.

P/S= Off to gym now. Have a blessed day!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

On Another Note...

Mum & I had this conversation today...

Thejas, my 8 year old nephew, wanted to know the amount of ribs we have, claiming that the last time he had a chest X-ray taken , he had forgotten to count the amount of ribs on the film.So, yeah I told him. Anyway, later on I was talking to mum.

I : Ma, he is so inquisitive. Probably he should become a doctor. Do you think he might want to swap places with me.

Mum: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

I: Thejas mon, you want to become a doctor uh when you grow up?

Thejas : But, I don't know anything about cells. ( in his adorable baby voice)

I: Never mind, they will teach you.

Thejas: Duwan.... I want to become a businessman ( I know where he got this idea from=)

Mum: *mum laughing*

I : Ma , I think I used to be as inquisitive as him when I was small, asking you a lot of questions,but you la, did not give me an answer for any of them, now am feeling stupid.

Mum: (LAUGHING LOUD) The only questions you ever asked me was where all the food was kept my dear.

I: (hahahaha) I know.Sounds like me alright.That's why I am telling you my interest have always been food , I should have taken up baking or cooking instead of med.

And, that was a piece of the conversation that made my day! Great Day! Today is a beautiful day! Stop for a little while to feel the breeze on your face and smell those flowers. Love you!

I Had Them Taken

Holla.So, here's the thing. I am having my finals this Monday. Back to studies. Not stressed=) Anyway, during the short breaks that I take from studies, I manage to capture some photos. Here are some of them.Oh yeah, I am aware the quality really sucks, but would you just pretend for me that those were the best shots you have ever seen=)) Thanx, love ya!




From the playground near my house.I love this tree, not sure what is it called though. But when the flowers bloom,it is definitely a sight not to be missed!


This is the giraffe in my room.Haven't named him yet. I love his stupid look.Makes my day!Oh it has a button at the bottom, when it is pressed, the whole giraffe will collapse, no kidding!

A closer look (
blurred eh?).Did I mention he looks a little silly?


A friend gave me this last week.I love babies.Love to see them cry=) So adorable!
( I no sounds really mean right?)

Now, it is hung on my wall.Makes my day each time I take a look at it.


P/S- I love Aaj Kal Zindagi,Life Is Crazy & Iktara from Wake Up Sid. Nice songs.I am planning on starting another blog sometime next month (hopefully).Wanted to share some photos of all the wonderful moments in my life that have been captured with just one click away.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Interest

How do you define interest? I had a conversation with mum today regarding it. She strongly tells me that interest is something that I create. "Ruby ma, when you don't like something, you have to learn how to like it, you have to create an interest for it". For me, it is something that is inborn. Like how you fall in love when you meet that certain someone, when you have tears of joy for your friend's happiness...it is a feeling that comes without saying, without you knowing, without being force. It is certainly not the effort. It is something so natural, like a bond of love...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Break Free

Have you taken any risks in life or had this feeling " I am tired of all this stuff" and you decide to stop right there and go on your own way.It will be cool if life was as such. You get to decide at this very moment what you want from it. If not for all the rules and regulations and all the norm, and a family, I would have done it. Feel like hopping on to a train and to go somewhere, anywhere, as long as it takes me to a place where there is abundance of joy ,love,happiness, and kids. Have you sat in a train station and sometimes wish to go to the counter and get a ticket to anywhere but not where you have planned, just for the fun of it, to try it, to see where this journey takes you. I have always wanted to, but never tried. Perhaps at the time the thought comes to my mind , the next thing that I always hear at the back of my head is " this is ridiculous Ruby, absolutely ridiculous, you just don't go anywhere, where were you planning to go anyway?" Than, the next thing I know, is myself sitting on the thin mattress on the lower berth going back to where I have intended to go when I purchased my ticket while looking at all the commotion that takes place at each station while everyone is trying to settle down. But deep down, I really wish just one day I can break free and do it.To take the chance to see where this journey called life leads me....

p/s=It is always nice to have a partner in crime=)

Thoughts

~To spread my wings and fly away~

I Am Not

I am not what you think I am
I am not fake
I am real
But I am not what you think I am
You think you know me
But really, you don't
Because I am not what you think I am
I am a treasure
You will need time to know the real me
To read my soul
But for now
I am not what you think I am...

This Second

This moment what I really need is
- a hug
- mum by my side
- some comfort food(preferably mum's cooking)
- air conditioner (the weather is extremely hot)
- a holiday
- my room back in Pahang ( where peace is certain)
- movies-kabhi kushi kabhi kham/kuch2 hota hai/shrek
- the kids
- a bed ( have been sleeping on a mattress without a bed frame for a long time)
- playing on a swing
- sitting and enjoying the stars
- some soothing music (good for the soul)
- My Dad!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Caught In Between Air And Water

Certain decisions are not easy to make in life, but they are a must. People often say,"it's your life", you decide. But how often do we make our own decisions? Create our own path.Learning from our own mistakes. Experiencing life and enjoying every moment of it as we take one step each time. We are granted with all the freedom, and a lot of motivators around us telling us how we should build the life we want, and yet why is it so difficult for us to stop and turn back and take a different path.What is it that is tying us down? Have you been in a situation where you had no plans in your mind and than you take up whatever someone else suggests and than half way through it you realize that this is not me, not what I wanted, not the life I choose. Have you? But the only problem is you are confused, cause you are dead sure this is not what you want but what is it exactly that you want to achieve, still remains a mystery. Sometimes we just wait ,hoping that opportunity will knock at our door. Part of us feel guilty- as if we are betraying those who love and trust us, and who has given us a better life, than there is the issue of time-time spent all this years doing something and going through it and than we decide to back out, next comes the money put in all these years and lastly the perception of people- our friends, uncles and aunties and all the others who are "so-called" concerned people. But my question is, why look at the few years that has passed, why not see what is going to happen in the remaining few years to come that is going to be the future, why concern about what others think when only some people were involved in the decision making from the very first day, honestly does it even matter, I mean people have their own problems and they are only good at talking where they are not needed, and what about "my"-your own happiness? Does it not matter anymore or are we just going to go through the coming days dreading our mornings knowing that we are going to work or do something that we are not really enthusiastic about and telling ourselves again and again,that when I have kids I make sure they do what they want. What about now, this very moment, don't we deserve the happiness, the joy to move on and do what we like.To create my own destiny. Why is it when we are trying to break the norm to live our life, it always causes apprehension? Aren't we suppose to take risks? There will always be fear when risks are taken. What if we are making a bad mistake? What if it all goes wrong? What if I don't succeed? So what, is it really the end of the world? Do you just pause there and regret for the decisions you took at that point of time or do you just move on and find ways to achieve in life?

p/s= Based on recent conversations and decision making and all the people that I have met , it prompted me to write this down.This is merely questions to make you think.So take a second and think about it. I have thought about it so many times in these last few years and yet never really found an answer.