Let It Be Me For Once

There are supposed to be loads of things I am supposed to have already posted in here, but unfortunately due to my unscheduled life for the year 2009, everything is in a delay. My first commitment to myself for the past few days is to lose weight ( yes I know, the same old thing again, I can almost hear some of my friends laughing, cause trust me I say this line almost all the time---like a ritual actually, lost a little-involuntarily!- during the WORST times of my life) But right now, I am talking about some serious weight lost. Arrggh! On the other hand, I like working out, I feel good. Just have to put in the extra effort. Anyways, I was just thinking... Do you realize we often hurt the feeling of the one's we love most? Be it your best friend/mother/dad/sis/bf/gf -I know I do ( I am not proud of it either).Its not on purpose at times. Its just all these frustration and anger in me that builds up and the inability for me to let it out to the one's who actually triggered it, and my constant need for myself to be understood that ends up with me arguing with the ones who holds a special place in my heart. Most of the time, its my mum. But I count my blessings, cause I could not ask for more than a mother like mine who has all the world's patience too totally understand me.I will be lost in her absence. All these ridiculous behavior of mine & my so called "insanity" is best tolerated by my mum. I remember a friend telling me his mum is like an angel, what do you call mine? She takes the highest position in the line of angels! The other part of me that is kept in constant questioning is my friends. At least I used to think I used to have a friend I am closed too, someone who knows me in and out, but I never knew things will change in life, the fact that I was left alone at the time I needed her the most, has left a wound that never seem to close! The feeling of trusting someone wholeheartedly and only to know I was least significant was the most unforgettable experience in life.Though it had thought me valuable lessons-never to trust and never to get attached! Be neutral in anything and everything you do, cause people change, things change and only some of us who belief in true friendship, honesty and all these crap that gets back stabbed end of the day. What do we do? We just question why did that happen,why, why,why and you will never find an answer for it anyway, so don't bother asking. I never told my problems , my heartbreaks, and my bad day to anyone.When the world shuts it's door for them, I am always there with a welcoming smile.You can find my name at the bottom of the list. I am every body's "seasonal" good friend. I am always on the receiving end- always listening to every body's personal life stories and brightening their lonely days. I used to wonder how come no one asks me how I am feeling. Being cheerful does not mean I do not have my tough times.For once I would like a shoulder to cry on, that too a loud cry cause there are times when I feel extremely scared,timid, torn apart and vulnerable...

I'm Wine

I sat at the corner. I looked around. There were beautiful colours everywhere with soft music in the background. Imagine a black paper splashed with rich red,pretty purple,bold blue, and oh-so lovely orange.I see people everywhere. Happy people.Why is she laughing I wondered? He must have said something funny.I thought to myself. A stage? Yes, there is one with a keyboard and a guitar on the floor with a big banner or cloth ( not too sure) with the word "Manila Spice" written on it. Manila Spice??? It does not ring a bell! I eavesdropped my owner saying "They are the hot gals from Manila. " Hot=Spice, right, that made sense , these girls sing and dance till the morning hours. Cool, I thought.Can't wait for them to start and spice things up.Oh by the way, people call me Malibu. I just sit in a glass house. I see the world outside through my transparent walls. And , I have a friend.She is called the "cherry". I never questioned but we always come together.
Inseparable. She either gets eaten up at the very beginning of the journey or later on once my owner is done with me. Whatever it is our life span is roughly about 40 minutes to an hour,if lucky we get an extra 1 hour. I love to just sit and observe people.I am what u call the observer of life. I managed to make a 360 degree turn with the help of my owner.
Wait a minute, it is the same lady, but the man? Oh my god, its a different guy! The lady, a Filipino, walked in with a well dressed gentleman.They got their drink and took a sit by the counter. Within an hour, some other older guy is sitting in his place. She looked uncomfortable and her eyes was scanning the room for the well dressed gentleman, but he was nowhere to be seen. Next I knew the crowd was cheering..Oh, its the spice gals, dancing and moving their stuff on stage. They look "fleshy".

*** my life span has just got shorter ***

After one session of the performance, one of the gals walked up to my owner's table and shook hands with all of them. Remember the old man sitting with the lady? He was talking to one of this gals with his hands taking the "opportunity" to touch them. Such a jerk! To my left, I saw this girl, she had a body hugging dark mysterious looking purple dress on her.Wow, lovely dress. By the way, this "purple-girl" looked like she was on trance (medically thinking, looked like she is having an Xtreme epilepsy!) She went on and on dancing with her 6 inch heels, man, how on earth did she managed to do that. She practically dirty-danced with every men there. I am lost for words. I was lost in my thoughts.. Just one more sip, and I will be gone. My friend, tequila, will be taking over my place shortly.Oh cherry is also gone! What a life? I thought. I never understood why some people behave as such, is it stress that is getting to you or purely attention that you need... Whatever is it, I know I can't do anything, I only observe, cause my name is wine...

Aliaune Badara Akon Thiam

After deleting four different starting lines , now, I am just being purely honest and off to writing down everything and anything that comes to my mind.First "honesty", I have just got the first up-close look at his picture.I have seen snippets of him in the magazines before, and that's pretty much of my obsession with him. Okay, let me put it this way , I have this mega-mega (I have no idea if such word really exist, but I was trying to sound exaggerating cause I really like him , and it had been a rather "flat" day , & my moods aren't that high, and yet I insist on writing on him write now,though I do realize I am not writing with all the emotions and so I thought I would rather insert a few words here and there to let know of my liking) (Forgive me if I sound insane, but I think its the coffee) obsession over him, but not referring to him directly, its his songs.Yes, I just realize I LOVE his songs more than him. His songs always had the perfect music and words to it ( I know, his songs are what we would call"raw or to open or to straight to the point"), but nevertheless, it does not seem to bother me much, cause it had always been a turn on! I don't mind listening to it anytime of the day and in what-so-ever mood I am. It still sounds perfect to me. And my second "honesty" is that, I had know idea his full name is Aliaune Badara Akon Thiam. What's worst , I just looked up about him on the net 5 minutes ago before I decided to post a blog on him!*** The real thing is I have always liked him, like a lot, or at least that's what I always meant , but it just struck me that I am in love with the man only for his songs and his unique voice( many refer to him as a singer who sings through his nose, whatever it is, nose or mouth, still only he can produce the most turning-on songs!). Once I was caught in a conversation with a friend on our way to work.Being the usual me, my hand instantaneously increased the volume when Akon's song was playing filling the car with all the turn-on molecules and bringing me into my own fantasy land and already having choreographed a dance step for the song , and of course seeing myself dancing to the tune, ignoring my colleagues laughter and conversation.Than , out of the blue, my friend asked "He is an American mix right? Akon?". I froze for a while, hmm, wait just a second I am getting back to the back of my mind for a piece of information about him....damn! it is not there, it never was! Simply because I never checked on him at all, I could not even have a clear picture of his face in my head! How on earth did that make me a fan? I, of course said " Oh, I am not sure" instead of definitely saying "I don't know". Than it had me thinking, should I only be labeled a loyal fan if I knew in and out about him.Honestly, the man is a singer, and his duty is to sing. And I love him, but its not him the person , its him the song.So,what's all these fuss about not knowing his origin and his life story? I mean c'mmon, I am not marrying this man , am I? ( Though I doubt, I would go so in depth when it comes to my own man one day) But the thing is, when it comes to an actor , it is different, first you fall for his looks than the way he acts, next thing you know, you will know all the information about him. I think it is the interest that hits you once you have a look at the actual person behind the voice that spur us to check the whole detail on him-right from the time he was born to the current life of his! So, the next time, I say I like Akon, I think ( not particularly sure at this moment cause I just had a close look at him and I think he might have created some interest in me, so the feeling is due to change in the days to come but for now this is it) I mean his songs. Oh, yes the other thing besides the songs, will be his body, well toned and perfect=) And, oh yes , I have taught my buddy( me mother) to pronounce his name.... " Ma, this is my favorite singer-Akon" and she being herself , never fails to pull through the day without purposely stepping on my nerves & went on to say " Oh, that's easy Air-Cond" ...." No, ma, its Akon, A...THAN KON" .. " Yes, that's what I said Air-Cond" Arrghhh! Frustration, yet I thought it was kinda cute and funny=) It was more like teaching Detective Clouseau to pronounce "hamburger"!

Fling or Commitment?

Bonjour!I just finished watching "He's just not that into you" and I want to write on love and girls. For many of you who have watched that movie , its not exactly the type of movie that will make you wanna fall in love or have all that I think I-am-ready-to-have-a-men-in-my-life sort of effect , just a simple movie with a practical ending to it ( Nevertheless , the kinda movie that gives me that feeling would be movies like "Never Been Kissed" ) Love this movie! Absolutely , even more just for Drew Barrymore! Anyways , as I was watching, thought to myself the way Gigi acted is just so predictable! It is just like many of us girls will do! Let me enlighten you, for those of you who did not watch-she goes around waiting for the so call Mr.Right's phone all day long , which of course did not happen, cause he has someone else to flirt with, than another guy comes along, and he leaves her signs all the way long like he is interested , than goes about saying "oh you just misunderstood the whole thing!" when she likes him, than leaves her again* just wondering- why are we called the complicated ones again?*I remember having this conversation with a friend once, and she went on lamenting about how she does not have a boyfriend and how her mum goes about pushing her to get one and she is just left with a whole lot of frustration! Then, there is the constant mumbling about what do we do if all the pretty girls with pre-existing boyfriends flirts? What do we do??? I can't pull out a guy from my pocket and show my mum! Next the conversation goes into series of self-blaming episodes - I am fat, I am ugly , He does not find me attractive, and yes I forget to mention, always put the blame on the other girl with a lot of wishes=)- She is a flirt ,Wish she gets caught one day, Wish her actual boyfriend leaves her..than she knows how it feels! And right after all this, the conversation will slowly drift to our dreams " You know ruby, just wish one day, I will flirt as much and he will fall for me and I will gladly tell him a big no and have his heart broken into pieces, just so that he will feel what I go through! Well fair enough, and of course than we have a good giggle by making fun of both the girl and guy and than go to bed.The next day, we forget everything ,till something happens or till someone steps on the trigger button, and the cycle repeats. { We girls get emotionally intoxicated before we loose our social inhibition and start pouring out things , that's why we don't require the booze!) Oh, just if you are wondering what I could have said, well here goes, same thing all the time " Hey look at me I am doing fine without one , it can't be that bad, he will come along, you just have to wait patiently" (though,once in a while , it does sound pretty annoying to hear myself say such things and in one corner of my brain, some clusters of my cells does warn me to stop lying, there is no such thing as waiting for Mr.Perfect, it does not happen that way! And this my dear friend, is called life!) Though I am more of a person always living in fantasy , always thinking things will almost always work out fine, but honestly it never did! ) On the other hand , I had another friend who had two boyfriends at the same time and cheating on the both of them and I overheard her congratulating a friend of hers on how lucky she is to have found love and how she wish she could be just like that.And mind you both the guys she was dating are nice guys. Clear cut , she just can't appreciate! You know its just the temporary fling , to satisfy her needs! Probably she would say I have not find the right one yet, but I think its crap! We always do it don't we, we never learn to appreciate what we have , we take for granted when someone care for us so much till we loose them. Oh by the way, I don't say a thing in such situation , cause firstly, if its your fault then you deserve a slap more than a shoulder to cry on or secondly I have not fallen in love so I can't possibly know what you mean.But knowing my friend a little above too well, I would stick with the first possibility. However, the one thing that kept me thinking from just know, is what happens to all those wonderful girls with a decent attitude? We constantly become the heart-broken victims , kept in the why-mode all the time- why has he not called yet, why can't he ask me out , why this and why that... trust me, we can go on for hours doing nothing but just questioning why's , than shed tears and come up with all the possible answers to satisfy ourselves and worst still we come up with answers to back him up when somewhere deep down in the tiny miny portion of our hearts we know he is a complete asshole! It keeps me wondering all the time , but I think it is an inborn thing , its in our genes! And when we have someone , we try so hard to keep them to ourselves that we become to o overprotective and suspicious and then ruin everything. Life is trust! But with so many weirdos ( girls and guys) nowadays , trust has become a matter of reassurance with constant questioning and possible ways to make sure he/she does not cheat on you. With that said, I think luck plays a big part, when you find the right one,it fits in like a jigsaw- puzzle , perfect! And when I mean perfect- I mean there must be loads of fighting , loads of loving , loads of humor , loads of "I don't like you" , loads of " I love you" ,loads of being childish, loads of being matured,wrapped up in bundle of trust, care , and responsibility! This would be my definition of perfect! I want both the ying and yang, good and bad! I want to be able to say " I am sorry " and " I love you". Can you imagine a life that is too perfect? Its like going on a road with no ups and downs , its like listening to the broken recorder again and again and again...I would be bored to death even before I start the journey. Its these little fights that at times that will spice things up and strengthen the bond. Than I can bravely say , I have been with him through thick and thin , through the best and the worst. I just thought of another friend of mine telling me once, "I have gone through so many hardships in life , just hoping my married life will be a happy one! "How true? Don't we all want that , something to call ours, someone to witness our life, to share it with? Well, I know I do...

My House Dictionaries

I just realized I am too lazy.I grew up having my mum correcting my grammar all the time. Every English exam, I find myself asking her the same thing:-Is it"I have"... "There are or there is"... "Oh ya Ma is this plural or singular?" ...it is always the same thing, and my mum knows her daughter too well , yet I don't hear a single complaint from her side , she patiently answers my questions. I wouldn't say I don't know my grammar , but it is more of reassurance. I feel much more confident having my mum reassuring me it is correct and I think she knows it too. Even too skip classes , I have gotta inform her , it is as if when she approves it , I am more at peace.Honestly , I can never understand myself! Confidence is something that should be growing in me every year , but it just seem to be fading away in myself!And the thought of moving my ass and flipping through the vocabulary dictionary doesn't seem so fancy , so I would rather have my mum answering my questions.She is more like my walking dictionary! The other dictionary I had in life was my politics and life dictionary.Well , I only had it for 21 years. Then,all of a sudden , it just disappeared into thin air one day and now I am hanging in mid-air, taking my own initiative and learning everyday, from the so called hands on experience that life provides me with----- more like in the making of my own dictionary on life! By the way, I was referring to my dad. He had always been my "quick reference" when it comes to politics. Let me see , I never know more than who is the prime minister of my country. For further information on my country's political hierarchy, dad always comes in handy and he too knows it well. I often get the answers for my questions and it almost always ends with the same line " Ruby ma, u should no about politics, read the papers more..." and needless to say my response had never changed too for the many many years , it is always the serious nodding from my side , and yet what do I do? Nothing! I ran back to him each time I need to know something. And he too knows it well , that I never did what he told me, but he never fails to do so cause that is what daddy's are meant to do-- give endless advice to a stubborn and lazy daughter! Since he left , I am trying my best to learn on my own , though I sometimes go back to my sister for some fatherly advice. Though thank god, I am still surviving because I have my English dictionary with me!

Inspire Me

"Throw back the shoulders, let the heart sing, let the eyes flash, let the mind be lifted up, look upward and say to yourself... Nothing is impossible!"

~ Norman Vincent Peale

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~ Henry David Thoreau

"Each day is a new life. Seize it. Live it."

~ David Guy Powers

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. "

~ Cadet Maxim

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do."

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's."

~ Billy Wilder

"Leap and the net will appear. "

~ Zen saying

"Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will."

~ Dr. Robert Anthony

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

~ Unknown

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. "

~ Henry Van Dyke

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

~ Benjamin Spock

"Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, `Grow, grow.'"

~ The Talmud

" Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "

~ Mark Twain

The Indiana Kid Goes Home...

Michael Joseph Jackson

(August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

The kid who had it all - fame , wealth, and in particular-THE voice , THE move, apart from his scandals and new look. The only thing that remains in my mind vividly till now, is watching his life story on television, probably I was too young to understand the whole filming about one's life at that time , but it made sense as years passed, the man is the King Of Pop! A legendary icon. A little mistake in life overrides all the good one does.However, it does not seem to hold true for him. Regardless of how many scandalous news about him is seen in tabloids, he still takes the highest place in the heart of fans. And the news of his sudden death came in as a shocking wave swiping through the media! I am not particularly in favour of him , I listen to his musics , some maybe not all , read gossips on him , making sure to get a close look at his face at least twice a year ( his nose puzzles me) , secretly trying his moon walk once or twice as I was growing up, always wanting to see Neverland, and not forgetting his famous "aoww" scream in high pitched tone, well yeah, that's roughly about my association with this icon. Whether or not this counts me in as a fan , nevertheless, I am saddened with his death, more soever on a Friday morning, when I was hoping to start the day with a good news.Hope his soul R.I.P. Ironically, I want to know more about this man after his departure! Anyway, I am joining hands with fans from all around the world, taking a moment of silence to pray for him. What I do know is , the streets of LA is going to be packed with folks and frantic and hysterical cries from fans. And the radio is going to have his songs played the whole day...